Stalin's Death Day

March 5

On this day it is traditional to celebrate the man's memory by ratting out your friends and neighbors to Big Brother. Luckily, this is still possible even if you are an unfortunate exile living in America! Can't remember Stalin? Shame on you. Stir your memories with a newspaper printed at the time of this great tragedy.

International Women's Day

March 8

Men: Failure to give flowers and suck up to the ladies will doom you for the rest of the year. This is the most important holiday. Women: Don't let the men off too easily.

Submariner's Day

March 19

Today we celebrate the prince of Atlantis. Sometimes he's a good guy, sometimes he's a bad guy. But he hates Nazis and we can get behind that.

Internal Forces Of The Russian Federation's Ministry Of Internal Affairs Day

March 27

Kiss a cop. Carefully. Use extra caution if he's wearing riot gear since that means he's feeling tender and vulnerable.

Merchants, Domestic Service Workers Of The Populace, And Building Superintendents' Day

The last Sunday in March

Congratulate everyone you know! Give in to your Dezhurnaya. Swoon for your houseboy. Pay your local kassa in cash, then pay again in sexual favors. Let your superintendent "supervise" you and then ask your janitor to play a solo. So much to do for those who do.